


so much

by orphan_account



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Depression, Fluff, I tried my best, Implied/Referenced Suicide, OT21 (NCT), Oneshot, Self-Harm, Sick Kim Jungwoo (NCT), i really cant tag im sorry, jungwoo is struggling, kinda implied luwoo but idk, um yeh this is my first ff wth, you could interpret this in so many ways
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-08
Updated: 2020-07-08
Packaged: 2021-03-04 21:08:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,852
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25152961
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: jungwoo has always been sensitive. but there is only so much hurt one can take.
Comments: 5
Kudos: 57





	so much

**Author's Note:**

> hi! this is my first fanfic ever, (im kinda proud of myself for having enough patience to write this) so dont hesitate to suggest any improvements to me. i included ot21, but because we haven't seen any interactions between ot21 this depiction of the 21 boys together is just my opinion, please do not take it seriously. non capitalisation is on purpose. thank you for taking the time to read this!
> 
> disclaimer: I do not wish any of the events in this fic on any of the members of nct and wayv. the events in this fan fiction are purely fiction, and to the best of my knowledge have not happened in real life. if you ever feel like jungwoo in this fic, or any other member in a fic similar to this one, please talk to someone you trust about it.

jungwoo has always been sensitive. when he feels emotions, he feels them deep. so deep that sometimes it feels like sharp jagged teeth clawing at his heart, penetrating his body, shattering the ever broken peices of his self. so deep that every hateful word seemed to peirce his soul, trapped in his slight figure forever, aggressively knawing at his brain, his feelings, taking every will to live jungwoo has and shredding it into millions of tiny, insignificant specs of nothingness.

he hides it. he conceals his bitter hurt with cuteness and clingyness and sunshine and rainbows. he is the joy of nct, the adorable little ball of happiness everyone loves.   
  
he is perfect.

not broken.

to them, at least. not to doyoung and lucas and johnny and mark, not to the dreamies, not to ten or winwin or yuta or taeyong. not to jaehyun and the rest of his friends whom he loves so dearly. no, he could not, he would not, ever tell them about his most dark secret, the horrible, terrifying truth that lay behind his honey locks and glittering eyes. he has to keep going because no one will ever forgive him if he stops.

but there is only so much hurt one can take. after a while you get used to the pain, you get used to feeling like a smothered peice of dirt, flung to the cold, wet floor to be trudged on by the world. trapped in the hellhole that is your own sensitive ass.  
and after a while, you can't feel anything.

you can't feel lucas hugging you. you cant feel taeil gently fixing your bangs, or everyone laughing when you make a dumb joke. no happiness, no anger, no 𝘦𝘹𝘤𝘪𝘵𝘦𝘮𝘦𝘯𝘵. just empty, sour exhaustion.

it was a monday, when he did it. jungwoo woke up at 5.00, left a note saying he had gone to the store (just in case), and quickly shoved on his mask and hat before leaving through the dorm door. no one was up yet, thank god, since they had no schedule. jungwoo didn't have time for questions.  
when he left the building, the cold air hit him hard, freezing his insides. it just made him feel number than he already was. his pace quickened through the empty streets until he reached a 7/11.

the store was empty, and jungwoo felt a wave of relief wash over him. it was bad enough he was doing this in the first place, he did not need spectators.

he trudged through the aisles, heading straight for the stationary section. he found what he wanted straight away. jungwoo picked the first one he saw, deciding quickly that the quality didn't really matter, as long as it did the job. before jungwoo knew it he was out of the store, jogging down the dim streets of seoul. 

at this point, he wasn't even thinking anymore. jungwoo was at a full sprint now. every reasonable thought he had was just being crushed by this overwhelming feeling inside of him. before jungwoo could cope by throwing things, or pinching himself, hard. but it just wasn't enough now. this was the only option.

when jungwoo burst through the dorm door, it was only 5.28. the note he had left lay untouched on the kitchen counter. he tugged of his mask and hat, chucking all his outerwear on the dining table. he began to rumage through the kitchen drawers, pulling out a pair of scissors to cut open the plastic case around his purchase. after a bit a force, the object slid out of its packaging, and was carried into the bathroom, door shut behind it.

jungwoo sat down on the cold tiled floor. the object felt strange in his hand. he could hear his heart pumping in his ears, as the object made it's way ever closer to his wrist.

slash.

slash.  
  
and again.

slash.

other wrist.

slash.

slash.

slash slash.

slash.

𝘸𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘪 𝘥𝘰𝘯𝘦?

the craft knife slipped out of jungwoos hand, clattering as it hit the rapidly increasing pool of blood covering jungwoos legs and the floor. a million thoughts slapped jungwoo in the face, and the pain began kicking in. excruciating biting pain that made tears stream out of jungwoos eyes, freezing him in his position.

𝘸𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘪 𝘥𝘰𝘯𝘦? 𝘸𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘥𝘰 𝘪 𝘥𝘰? 𝘩𝘰𝘸 𝘸𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘐 𝘤𝘰𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘶𝘱? 𝘺𝘰𝘶'𝘷𝘦 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺 𝘧𝘶𝘤𝘬𝘦𝘥 𝘶𝘱 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘵𝘪𝘮-

𝘴𝘩𝘪𝘵.

and of course, standing there with a horrified look painted across his face, was mark.

the two boys stared at each other for what felt like years, before mark turned around and pelted out of the bathroom.

𝘴𝘩𝘪𝘵.

jungwoo grabbed a towel, hopelessly trying to mop up the deep red blood spreading across the floor. but it just kept flowing and flowing, without any sign of stopping. the pain was really hitting now. he could hear feet sprinting down the hallway.

𝘯𝘰, 𝘯𝘰, 𝘱𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘦 𝘥𝘰𝘯𝘵 𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘦 𝘪𝘯, 𝘯𝘰𝘰...

jungwoos effort was useless now. when the boys burst through the bathroom door, doyoung leading the group, jungwoo was full on screaming in pain, clutching his arms around his torso, tensing his muscles in the hope that the pain would seize, physically and mentally. tears streamed down his pale cheeks, and with every shaky breath he took it felt as though the pain which he had so wished he could just cut out of himself was becoming stronger and stronger, making his head sway and his limp body fall back into arms he didn't even know were there. before he knew it, jungwoo was being lifted up, and somewhere between the blood soaked bathroom floor and the kitchen table, he passed out.

when jungwoo woke up again, he was sitting on one of the dining chairs. the pain was still there, but being challenged by a hot slap burn on his cheek. he looked up to see taeil inches away from his face, eyes filled with concern, "sorry woo, we have to keep you awake, it's better that way" jungwoo blinked a few times, trying to get his vision into focus. he looked around the room.

in the little time he had been passed out, all the dreamies had got into the dorm, as well as lucas ten kun and winwin, who jungwoo recalled to have just come back from wayv promotions in China. in the corner of the kitchen, jaehyun johnny and doyoung were all on the phone speaking angrily done the line, flashing worried looks at jungwoo every so often. on the couch sat chenle, renjun and jisung, who seemed to have been crying, and jeno and jaemin, hugging the three kids like their life depended on it. on the other couch sat haechan and mark, haechan rocking the other in his arms. across the dining table from jungwoo sat yuta and winwin, whom were clutching each other, staring down at the multiple first aid kits spread across the table. jungwoo looked down at his wounds. each arm was bound with bandages, thin lines of red seeping through the white cloth. on his right, taeyong continued to adjust the bandages for the sixth time. ten was behind taeyong, gently rubbing his shoulders. kun was resting his head on tens shoulder. and resting his chin on jungwoos head was lucas, his long arms wrapped around the smaller. jungwoo then realised taeil still looking down at him expectantly. yep, this was probably his cue.

"aish, that hurt taeil!" jungwoo moaned, his voice barely audible through his still shaky breaths. but everyone seemed to hear, and soon enough he had 17 eyes staring back at him.

but jungwoo didn't know what to say, how to explain. and quite frankly, it seemed that the rest of the group didn't know what to say either.

𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘺 𝘢𝘳𝘦 𝘱𝘳𝘰𝘣𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘺 𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘪𝘯 𝘴𝘩𝘰𝘤𝘬. 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘺 𝘥𝘪𝘥𝘯'𝘵 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸, 𝘪𝘵𝘴 𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘪𝘳 𝘧𝘢𝘶𝘭𝘵. 𝘢𝘪𝘴𝘩, 𝘫𝘶𝘯𝘨𝘸𝘰𝘰 𝘸𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘥𝘰𝘯𝘦? 𝘩𝘰𝘸 𝘤𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘧𝘰𝘳𝘤𝘦 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘧𝘪𝘹 𝘸𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘺 𝘥𝘪𝘥𝘯'𝘵 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘣𝘳𝘰𝘬𝘦𝘯?

"i- " jungwoo looked down in shame. "im s-so sorry"

and then the tears, and the words and all that hurt came. it was like someone had turned on the tap, and now all of the emotion and the tears and the depression and suicidal thoughts and the explanations and feelings which jungwoo had never let out were gushing out of him, exposed and running freely. his head hurt and his eyes were sore but jungwoo kept going, kept telling them everything.  
he knew it was bad, he knew he shouldn't do this to them, put all that pressure on them. he knew they wouldn't understand, and they would laugh and call him pathetic. but jungwoo kept talking, until he had no more words to speak. every secret kept, every lie he had made was now open like a book, ready for its pages to be turned. and to his surprise, the boys listened to him. they nodded and they sympathized and they told jungwoo that they understood. they said that he should never bottle things up like that again, that they would be there for him forever and always. johnny told everyone that their manager had finally let them have the next four days off, to rest and to help jungwoo. 

the pizza place down the street was called, and within 40 minutes all 18 members were snuggled down in the living room eating pizza and watching their favourite drama. even xiaojun, hendrey and yang yang joined the group, insisting on it, making jungwoos heart warm that they had so much concern for someone they barely knew.

and for the first time in months, jungwoo felt something. he felt happiness.

he looked over at all 20 of the boys. he saw jaemin practically sitting in jenos lap, jeno twirling nanas hair between his fingers. he saw chenji curled up together on the couch, with renjun resting his chin on jisungs shoulder. next to the coffee table mark and haechan were playfully fighting each other after haechan refused to stop kissing marks arm. he saw jaehyun with his arms around taeyong shoulders, both laughing hysterically at Johnny's joke. he saw ten moaning at johnny for being too loud, as he stroked 'his baby' s head (yangyang, of course). he saw xiaojun hendrey and kun all happily laughing together and taking selfies. yuta and winwin were sitting together, hands and legs intertwined, adorably flirting like always. taeil was sitting on the second couch next to doyoung. doyoung was sitting next to jungwoo, every so often flashing his big heart warming smile at jungwoo and making sure he was okay. jungwoo sat in lucas' arms, head on lucas' chest. jungwoo looked up and saw lucas smiling back down at him. 

"you know you're so loved, right?" lucas whispered, so softly it made jungwoos heart melt.

it was in that moment that jungwoo realised he didn't have to do this alone. everyone was rooting for him. 

everything was going to be fine. 

he was loved. and that was all that mattered.

so, as jungwoo snuggled his head further into lucas' chest, he whispered back:

"so much"


End file.
